Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
