You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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