xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
