I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
