When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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