i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
