I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
