You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
