I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
