things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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