dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
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