If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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