What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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