a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
