Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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