I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
