He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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