You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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