Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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