listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
