how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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