Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
