on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
