hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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