God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
