i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
