my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
