my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
