The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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