God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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