he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
