he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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