Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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