meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
