I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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