You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
