apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
