I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
