I faked an abortion last night.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
