I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I puked a lego.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We need to get me chipped asap
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