franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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