saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I touched a dick in church today
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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