My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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