Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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