Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
