So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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