i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
