Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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