smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
