Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
