We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
