I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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