My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
