there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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