A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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