What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
