haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sext me about skeletons
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
