I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
