I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
