i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
