this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
