I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
